Being There for My Little Sweetie
Let each of you look not only to one’s own interests, but to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
Those with grown children often feel we are no longer relevant or necessary. If we are blessed, our children do not need us financially and have families and or friends of their own. An optimistic view would allow us to say, “We’ve done our job. Well done!” Yet, I remained surprised at how we, parents of grown children, continue to retain the power to heal or hinder. Whether they want to admit it or not, our children do not stop seeking our approval in conscious and unconscious ways.
In the HuffPost article “6 Phrases Adult Children Want to Hear From Their Parents,” Kelsey Borresen outlines what parents can say to provide healing, even in healthy parent-child relationships. It sounds threatening, but it opens the door to healthy discussion because none of us were or are perfect parents. Sometimes, discussing our parenting imperfections with our children helps them forgive their imperfections.
According to Borresen’s article, phrases like “I’m sorry” open the door to healing unshared disappointments and unconscious bitterness. “I was in survival mode” is relatable to your grown children, and it opens the door to further conversation and extended empathy. Yet, it is also important to shift gears and take the focus away from your parenting and providing validation of the one you love.
Few phrases are as transforming as “I’m really proud of you.” When you say it, be specific; name some values and actions that validate your feelings for them. It is essential to affirm that their journey differs in several ways from yours. That is why, “Your life path is different than mine, but I support you.” The phrase mentioned above is Biblical. It speaks to your unconditional love in a world that feels so conditional.
Borresen’s phrase is helpful in nearly all situations: “Do you want advice, or would you prefer for me to listen?” I am a father and a pastor. My poor daughter gets a lot of advice from me because it is my go-to response. I am still learning to listen while respecting my daughter’s ability to work through issues out loud. Sometimes, she needs me to hear because she needs someone she can trust and who has her best interests at heart. I can be permission-giving by saying, “I’m still here for you.” I guess, maybe I am still relevant in my daughter’s life. I bet you are also significant to your children’s lives.