Narcissism Comes in Surprising Packages
written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ”
I appreciate the work of psychologist Alfred Adler and his insights into our responses to trauma. Adler challenges us to recognize that we are not determined by our experiences but by “the meaning we give them.” Adler calls us to be “self-determining.” We are not our trauma! We have the power to give meaning to our life experience, and that meaning has the power to diminish or empower us. Adler continues, “Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.”
Adler reminds us that if change were easy, we wouldn’t spend so much time wishing we could change. Some people do not want to change but embrace their limitations. Adler tells the story of an insecure friend who created a state of anxiety. He uses himself as an example, “If I stay in my room all the time, without ever going out, my parents will worry. I can get all of my parents’ attention and focus on me. They’ll be extremely careful around me and always handle me with kid gloves.” Adler says the person he describes is undoubtedly unsatisfied with life, but it is the only life the person can envision for themselves, where they are the center of attention. Their self-imposed limitations are not humility but a narcissistic need for attention, with a focus on themselves.
Whether you lock yourself in your room indefinitely, choose to live in the wilderness, or decide to become a stockbroker in New York City, Adler declares that each of us selected our life by “living in line with some goal.” Whether the goal is to be the focus of our parents’ attention by hiding in our room or finding meaning by stroking our ego through our stock portfolio, we should own our goals and the outcomes they create. We should regularly evaluate our motivations by asking if our thoughts and actions for others are narcissistically focused on ourselves. The more honest we can be with ourselves, the more emotionally healthy we can become.
The Old and New Testaments are different in many ways, but one common theme is the expectation of humility. Narcissism is a recognizable sin, even as our world too often celebrates it. Narcissism is also complex in the way it presents itself. Whether one is a drug-snorting, sex-starved stock peddler after a quick buck or an adult person locked in their room to keep their parents’ attention, narcissism must be named and thwarted. Prayerfully ask God to give you the empathy and wisdom to know yourself and work for a humble self-image.
(Adler quotes taken from The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga)
